I created this as a journal, as a way to publish my thoughts and write them somewhere as a release, but I've sat here for almost two hours.. and can't think of anything to say.
So, I'll start off with what I am. What I feel like.
I'm scared. Scared shitless of the world ahead of me, the expectations, the pressure. I'm scared of what people think, what people do, what people will say. I'm a coward at heart.
Because I'm scared, I am an Asshole, I put up a tough front, I wear an angry aura, I keep people at arms length, scared that people will hurt me because of what I am, because of who I see myself as.
Beause I'm angry and an asshole, cause I fear everyone and hold most of them at arms length, I'm a coward and an easily depressed person. I like to smile and say it's not my fault, it's genetic, which is likely true, considerinig my mother's on heavy duty antidepressants and my father's not much better.
Because I'm sad, angry and scared. I lash out. I lash out at those I love, at those I don't know, at myself the most.
I don't like myself. I don't like my skin, I don't like where I am. I pretend to admire and like my appearance, large, almost tanned, covered in scars and cuts.
but each scar is another reminder, another incident gone wrong. And each morning, I look down and see the reminder that tells me what I am.
I'm not a good person. but I want to be.
and that's who I am.
